On the things I've become

I was reading an old friend’s blog when I realized that I’ve reinvented myself so many times. (Admittedly, it wasn’t just the blog. A barrage of old photos that have surfaced because of Multiply closing down, added to the discovery of my first blog’s password may have amplified this recollection.)

From all the other personas I’ve taken on (there was highschool delinquent  me, depressed writer me, emo rocker me, and even party girl me– a far cry from the DIYing, outfit posting me of today), one in particular has always made me feel like I’ve just listened to Coldplay’s X&Y album, every time remembered.

That was the College freshman (or should I say frosh?) me– a doe eyed, naive, black t-shirt rocking, cap wearing version of myself. I am then reminded of my unreasonable hopes for the future and great mistakes made in the past. It’s hard to read a blog post dated 2005 recounting the first day of college which I was part, when I am still in college now. 

Of course, people usually ask:

“What happened?”

“What took you so long?”

“How did it come to that?”

But those questions are not ones that I find important. The significant question would be one I ask myself every time this period of my life is dug up:

“What if?”

Obviously, there is no way of knowing. Wallowing will only leave me depressed and distracted.

And then there’s this: no matter how overdue, I am happy now. There’s a wonderful lesson certain agonizing events in our lives teach us, and I may just have learned mine.

But, College freshman me still leaves a dull pain at the bottom of my stomach every time remembered. 

Though I’ve always thought that Coldplay’s X&Y evokes in listeners a good kind of pain– if there is such a thing.