Thursday, February 16, 2012

On old blogs.

I've been looking for an article I wrote a while back when I stumbled upon my old blogs. I have been blogging since 2005, at a time when I used the internet as a diary. Looking back, I've realized that I learned so many things about myself through my emotionally charged ramblings (as is evident in my previous blogs), and that there has been so much change in me and around me.

I used to be so afraid of losing myself. At a time when everybody was struggling to find who they were, I was trying to cling on to the identity I thought I wanted. I tried to make sense of all these feelings, simmering, boiling over inside of me, that I never had the time to realize that all things hot eventually turn cold. I liked the anger and spite in myself that I mistook for passion. I never listened.

Reading up on all these things, I laugh and I hurt. I remember how broken up I once was. I remember the sadness and discontentment brought about by my loss of identity. I remember how painful it was to learn.

I know all of these, and am familiar with them because in truth, these lessons never stopped. I still hurt and try and bruise and cry-- only, there is a resolute knowledge that something has been gained. I trust the course of nature and decide to learn and live.

Six years ago, I spoke in my freshman college class about my writing. It started with this phrase: "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". The talk ended on a semi suicidal note prompting a classmate to walk out, crying.

Today, I say that still. Only this time, I believe it. I say it with a smile and know that there are good things to come. I will not be giving up anytime soon.


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